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January Writing Challange - WiP "realMyst"

#1 User is offline   Gehn, lord of ages 

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 01:27 PM

I sometimes can be really random. :cheesy:
Okay, I'm a little worried about the second half - the rhyme and rhythm. I had a lot of storyline that I had to get past, and that messed up the beat a little. It is modeled after the rhythm in "Twas the Night Before Christmas..." if that helps.


RealMyst

My homework was finished - I rushed to my room
Where the light of my Macbook shone bright through the gloom
My parents had bought me a realMyst CD!
And I was the happiest kid there could be
I had read through the forums, I knew what to do
As the Myst book fell out of the sky just on cue
I raced through the Ages, found all the clues
Gathered the pages, the reds and the blues
Sirrus was creepy, Achenar mad
The only one good in the family was dad
(I knew this already from forums, of course
And an internet walkthrough, a valuable source)
I heard with no pity the brother's last tries
To sway me with promises, sweet talk and lies
The fireplace opened the green book to see
"Who the devil are you? Don't come to D'ni!
My sons trapped me here - they will trap you in too
Find my the last Myst page and bring it with you"
I followed instructions in an old forum post
And I got the last page for my kindly old host
I took it to D'ni. "My friend, you've returned
I'm glad that my warnings were not by you spurned
You've done the right thing. Now I've something to do
I'm afraid that your help you might someday quite rue."
Then he pulled from behind a rock covered in mold
And summarily used it to knock me out cold
When I awoke later, the book was in ashes
And my poor head was ringing with clashes and bashes
"I'm sorry my friend, that after all you've gone through
You're left here like this, but my plans aren't for two"
(This all I heard from a screen in the air
It sounds quite insane but I swear it was there)
"Welcome to Dunny, you will live here forever
The bathroom's behind you, the kitchen's... wherever
I see that you've not helped my wonderful kids
Did you not like their offers or distrust their bids?
Or perhaps this destruction, you think that they did it?
Perhaps I give not my words enough credit
You see, there's some history that I think you should know
I'll go through it once for you, simple and slow
These ages, you see, were all penned by my sons
Yet they never would teach me - tell me how it was done
How I pined for this knowledge! How it burned in my heart
How I would do just anything for this new Art!
I told both the brothers to make me a trap
- A book which you'd go in and then it would *snap*!
You're stuck in the Age, not a thing you can do -
That the other was making the same neither knew
I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares
I was doubled in joy - oh the glory and glee
But in a moment I thought 'what if someone should see?'
Then I thought, 'Since the rest of the people are Strangers
There is nothing to lose with a slight rearranger'
So I took all my weapons and all of my toys
And I put them in all of the rooms of my boys
And the wonderful thing is: you fell for that stuff
I'm really quite thankful; you did... well enough
And now with the secrets of art in my hand
Unlimited Ages are mine to command!
You're trapped there, you know, no exits exist
That Age is your prison, and you will be Myst."
And as static closed in, I could just barely hear
"...The reception is failing - You're really not clear."
I turned of my computer and pulled out the disk
And now I'm content playing Checkers and Risk


Okay, Menelmacar, can you beat that for total weird?
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#2 User is offline   laughingpineapple 

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 02:27 PM

:cheesy: :D :D Priceless! Rhymes well-enough, well-executed and the challenge's prompt is woven into it in the nicest way ever :rotflol:
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#3 User is offline   Menelmacar 

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 03:22 PM

That's hilarious!

Quicknotes:
Find my the last Myst page and bring it with you - I think you only want either "my" or "the", not both...

I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares
- These are the only two couplets I noticed that don't seem to flow as well as the rest.

Well... mine's nowhere near being even presentable as a WiP so far. I'll PM you the summary, though.

CM
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#4 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 08:38 PM

That was win and awesome, Gloa!!!

I love spoofs of that poem, like the Lord of the Rings Christmas poem that made the rounds on the Internet a few years ago. But my favorite is the on written by Tim Burton, "'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas." I have the illustrated children's book version. :cheesy:
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#5 User is offline   Gehn, lord of ages 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 01:01 PM

Thank you

View PostMenelmacar, on Jan 19 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

Find my the last Myst page and bring it with you - I think you only want either "my" or "the", not both...
Whoops. I was experimenting with a lot of different ways of saying that, and I guess I forgot to take out some parts.

Quote

I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares
- These are the only two couplets I noticed that don't seem to flow as well as the rest.

Both of them? I definitely see the last couplet's problems (does anyone have an idea on how to replace them?) - I had to cram a lot of information in a couple lines.

"I TOLD each the BOYS 'hey, your BROther's quite BOLD.
Since he's MAKING an AGE filled with TREASURE and GOLD."
Is that working?

"He's HIDing it NOW, wanting NEver to SHARE.'
Then I TRICKed them to LINK into THEIR brother's SNARE"
Better?


Quote

Well... mine's nowhere near being even presentable as a WiP so far. I'll PM you the summary, though.

:cheesy: Yours could out weird mine. Good idea, though. I'm interested to see how it will turn out.
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#6 User is offline   Elspeth 

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 12:40 AM

View PostGehn, lord of ages, on Jan 20 2009, 01:01 PM, said:

View PostMenelmacar, on Jan 19 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares[/i]

Both of them? I definitely see the last couplet's problems (does anyone have an idea on how to replace them?) - I had to cram a lot of information in a couple lines.

"I TOLD each the BOYS 'hey, your BROther's quite BOLD.
Since he's MAKING an AGE filled with TREASURE and GOLD."
Is that working?


Depending on the desired meter, to keep the sense --- EACH is singular -- I would humbly suggest,
I told each boy "Hey, your brother's quite bold (alt: I told each ONE, etc)
or
I told each of them "Hey, your brother's quite bold

... depending on how long you want the first foot, which if you read it all aloud you will hear how it changes the pace.

How about concluding,
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
Which he's hiding from you, never wanting to share!'
And they rushed out fuming, each into his snare!"
?


By the way, this reads BEAUTIFULLY aloud, which is to my mind the test of poetry.

TOTALLY this needs to be entered! NOT what I would have thought of at all and DELIGHTFULLY, wickedly different!
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#7 User is offline   Menelmacar 

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 08:20 AM

View PostGehn, lord of ages, on Jan 20 2009, 02:01 PM, said:

Quote

I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares
- These are the only two couplets I noticed that don't seem to flow as well as the rest.

Both of them? I definitely see the last couplet's problems (does anyone have an idea on how to replace them?) - I had to cram a lot of information in a couple lines.

"I TOLD each the BOYS 'hey, your BROther's quite BOLD.
Since he's MAKING an AGE filled with TREASURE and GOLD."
Is that working?

I think I was stressing it wrong somehow. That sounds all right.

Quote

"He's HIDing it NOW, wanting NEver to SHARE.'
Then I TRICKed them to LINK into THEIR brother's SNARE"
Better?

Much. :D
Although the second line still seems odd to me... maybe it's putting the emphasis on the possessive "their" rather than the noun itself?
Then I TRICKED each to LINK to his BROTHer's own SNARE?

Quote

Quote

Well... mine's nowhere near being even presentable as a WiP so far. I'll PM you the summary, though.

:cheesy: Yours could out weird mine. Good idea, though. I'm interested to see how it will turn out.

Told ya. Once I have more than an outline I'll post it (even if it doesn't make it through in time for the contest).

CM
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#8 User is offline   Gehn, lord of ages 

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 10:44 AM

View PostElspeth, on Jan 20 2009, 10:40 PM, said:

View PostGehn, lord of ages, on Jan 20 2009, 01:01 PM, said:

View PostMenelmacar, on Jan 19 2009, 01:22 PM, said:

I told each the boys 'hey, your brother's quite bold
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
He's hiding it from you, wanting never to share'
And they rushed off in fury - right into the two snares[/i]

Both of them? I definitely see the last couplet's problems (does anyone have an idea on how to replace them?) - I had to cram a lot of information in a couple lines.

"I TOLD each the BOYS 'hey, your BROther's quite BOLD.
Since he's MAKING an AGE filled with TREASURE and GOLD."
Is that working?


Depending on the desired meter, to keep the sense --- EACH is singular -- I would humbly suggest,
I told each boy "Hey, your brother's quite bold (alt: I told each ONE, etc)
or
I told each of them "Hey, your brother's quite bold

... depending on how long you want the first foot, which if you read it all aloud you will hear how it changes the pace.

How about concluding,
Since he's making an Age filled with treasure and gold
Which he's hiding from you, never wanting to share!'
And they rushed out fuming, each into his snare!"
?


By the way, this reads BEAUTIFULLY aloud, which is to my mind the test of poetry.

TOTALLY this needs to be entered! NOT what I would have thought of at all and DELIGHTFULLY, wickedly different!

View PostMenelmacar, on Jan 21 2009, 06:20 AM, said:

Quote

"He's HIDing it NOW, wanting NEver to SHARE.'
Then I TRICKed them to LINK into THEIR brother's SNARE"
Better?

Much. :cheesy:
Although the second line still seems odd to me... maybe it's putting the emphasis on the possessive "their" rather than the noun itself?
Then I TRICKED each to LINK to his BROTHer's own SNARE?

CM

Thank you both. :D

I TOLD each of THEM 'Hey your BROther's quite BOLD.
Since he's MAKing and AGE filled with TREAsure and GOLD.
He's HIDing it NOW, wanting NEver to SHARE
Then I TRICKed each to LINK to his BROther's own SNARE!

Thank you.
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#9 User is offline   Mystress 

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 06:28 PM

Very nice, GLOA! Wonderful twist on the story of Myst. Or shall I say, a wonderful Twyst?
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