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January Writing Challenge WiP Squee

#1 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 08:55 PM

This idea just popped into my head, I'm writing this and posting immeadiately, so I apologize if it's horrible.

I knew Saavedro's squee trap is horrible, and that I shouldn't use it. But I just wanted one so badly. A squee, of my very own.

I set the trap, and ran around to the leaf opposite. I crouched down and gripped the handle, searching in the gloom for the small furred creature. At last, in the silence, I heard the sniffling sounds from his cute little nose, and the pitter-patter of little feet. It was a few more moments before he showed himself, and it felt like an eternity!! He cautiously moved out into the open, sniffing the air daintily. He hopped over to the piece of fruit I had left on the ground. As he sniffed it, my patience wore out, and I pulled the handle.

The trap fell down arond the poor squee, catching him. I could here the adorable chirping sound I loved so well. I ran around to the ledge, grabbing the makeshift cage I had brought with me. As I crept up to the trap, the rustling sounds quieted. I could just imagine him crouched inside, shivering. AWWW!!!!

I opened the door of the cage, and lined it with leaves. I threw in a handful of fruit. Satisfied, I got ready to grab him, my new squee.

I lifted the edge quickly, and grabbed. I missed. It flew at my face, hissing and clawing. It scrambled up into my hair, tangling it horribly. It swung around on my pontail, and smashed right into my nose. As the squee climbed down my back inside my shirt, I realised my nose was bleeding profusely. The squee found the bottom of my shirt, got out, and ran back into the jungles of Edanna.

No wonder Saavedro had one on his arm.
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#2 User is offline   Gehn, lord of ages 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 12:53 PM

:cheesy:

Some advice
This piece seems more like a sketch than a writing. I think this is because the narrator isn't really developed much. There is no distinctive character to the narrator. Perhaps give this scene a setting (talking to Atrus, putting it in an essay, having tea with Saavedro...) and hint more at the character of the narrator; is she (I'm assuming it's a she) an animal lover? Does she get excited easily? Is she shy?

Good luck
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#3 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 01:52 PM

Thanks, that gives me some ideas... :cheesy:
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#4 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 03:21 PM

Sorry for the double post!!! Here we go, take two of my story. I'm really quite proud of it!!

Yeesha met me at the door to the study.

“Katie! What’s wrong? What happened? Is that your blood? Is everything ok? Is-”

I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “Where’s Catherine?” I mumbled, keeping one hand over my nose.

“She’s in the kitchen,” Yeesha said as she opened the door and led me inside. “So, what happened?”

“Let’s just wait till I see your mom. I don’t want to say this twice.” Yeesha didn’t look happy with my answer, but she didn’t ask again. She hummed a tune as we got in the elevator. A few moments later, we stepped out and walked into the kitchen.

Catherine was hovering by the stove, waiting for the water to boil. As my luck would have it, Atrus was sitting at the table, reading a book and making notes. I stepped in slowly, hiding my nose from the pair. Atrus didn’t notice my arrival, but Catherine did. As soon as she saw the blood on my shirt and hands, she came flying around the corner, waving her hands in the air.

“Katie! What did you do this time?” she asked, giving an exasperated sigh and chuckling. “I swear, you’re as bad as Atrus when it comes to getting in trouble.”

Hearing his name, Atrus looked up from his book. “What did I do?” he asked, confused. Then he saw me. He jumped up from the table and grabbed a napkin. “Are my books safe?” he asked, before getting swatted by Catherine.

“Your books are fine, Atrus, and so am I,” I answered. “Can I get some water please?”

Catherine sat me down and pried my hand away from my nose. The blood had stopped running, but it was still a mess. Yeesha gasped, then ran over and carefully gave me a hug. “You must be so brave!” she whispered.

I laughed. “This isn’t from being brave, this is from being stupid.”

Catherine sighed again, as she filled a bowl with warm water and found a clean towel. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Are you sure you’re not a boy?” she asked jokingly.

Atrus opened his mouth to ask a question, but Catherine shushed him. “We’ll all get the story as soon as Katie is taken care of. Yeesha, can you run to your room and get her a new shirt?”

Yeesha jumped up and ran out of the room. “Yes, Mom!” she shouted over her shoulder as she bounced down the stairs.

Five minutes later, I had a clean shirt and a clean face. Catherine made tea, and we all sat down at the table.

“Now, young lady,” Atrus said, “I think you owe us an explanation.”

I grinned sheepishly at him from across the table. “Well, you know how I’ve been thinking of getting a pet, right?” Catherine and Atrus nodded, and Yeesha smiled at me. “I thought about the animals I’ve come across in my adventures, and my favorite has always been the squee.”

“They live in Edanna, yes?” Catherine asked.

“Yes, but there’s also one on J’nanin. I figured if that one could survive outside of its native habitat, it would be perfect to take home.”

Catherine sat back in her seat. “I can see where this is going…” she mumbled. Atrus and Yeesha didn’t notice; they continued to watch me intently. They looked so much alike, I laughed for a moment before continuing.

“The trap Saavedro used is still there, even though we never use it.” I said.

“And with good reason!” Yeesha replied. “It isn’t right to trap animals like that!”

“Hush, my desert bird,” Atrus said softly. “Let Katie tell her story.”

I looked at her. “I know it’s wrong, Yeesha, but I also know it works. On my first trip through Edanna, I trapped one by accident.”

Yeesha stared at me. “You let it go, right?”

“Of course!” I answered. “Don’t you know I wouldn’t do that?”

“Sorry, you’re right.” Yeesha looked down at her hands. “Please continue.”

“It’s all right, honey, I know you mean well.” I gave her a quick hug. “Now, let’s see. Where was I?”

Atrus looked patiently at me. “You were talking about Saavedro’s trap,” he said quietly.

“Oh, yes. I set the trap, and ran around to the leaf with the handle. I crouched down and waited for one to come out. It wasn’t long before I could hear his sniffling little nose and the pitter-patter of his little feet. He poked his head out and looked around. It took him a few moments to decide it was safe, but it felt like hours! He hopped over to the piece of fruit I had left on the ground. As he sniffed it, my patience wore out, and I pulled the handle. The trap worked perfectly, catching him without hurting him at all.” I glanced at Yeesha.

“Oh good,” she said. “I wouldn’t want him to get hurt.”

“Me neither, honey. I ran back to the ledge and grabbed the makeshift cage I had brought with me. I lined it with leaves and threw in a handful of fruit. I was ready to get my new squee.” I took a sip of my tea. “This is really good, Catherine, what is it?”

“A secret, now finish the story!” she said, laughing.

“All right, then! He had stopped moving around, and I could hear that *adorable* chirping sound.” I mimicked it, making everyone laugh. Then Yeesha chirped, and it sounded just like a real squee.

“Well, Yeesha, I didn’t know you were a squee!” Atrus said, chuckling at his daughter.

“Yes, just like that,” I said. “I carefully lifted the edge of the trap, and grabbed for the squee. That’s when things started not going so well.”

“What do you mean?” Yeesha asked.

“Be quite and I’ll tell you,” I answered. “I missed. The trap flipped open, and he came at me, hissing and scratching. He climbed up shirt and into my hair. Then he got tangled up in my ponytail, and started swinging around.”

Yeesha was giggling. “I bet it looked really funny, Katie.”

“Oh, I’m quite sure it looked funny. And I think it’s funny now. It just wasn’t so funny right at that moment. He swung around and ran right into my nose.”

“So that’s why it was bleeding,” Catherine noted.

“Yep, just like that. He finally got out of my hair and climbed down my back inside my shirt. His sharp little claws really hurt!”

“I’m sure they did,” Atrus said.

“Is he ok?” Yeesha asked.

I turned to look at her. “I tell you I got attacked by a ferocious furry beast, and you want to know if it’s ok?”

“Well,” she started, “I know you’re ok, cuz you’re sitting here telling the story. But what happened to the squee?”

“Don’t worry, honey. He ran back into the jungle, no harm done.” I thought for a moment. “Well, no harm done to
him. Me on the other hand…” I trailed off and gently touched my nose.

“It’s not broken,” Catherine said, “so I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Thanks,” I said with a gracious smile. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” she said.

“What’s for dinner?”
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#5 User is offline   Gehn, lord of ages 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 09:12 PM

Better. A few more friendly critiques Posted Image.

Yeesha doesn't sound right. Atrus is good, but he isn't addressing people right. For one, he says "my friend" not "young lady". Also, the use of "desert bird" doesn't seem to flow right...

Katie is being a little too factual. She's giving step-by-step instructions on how she got in the mess, basically.

I know you're trying to be abrupt in the ending... but I don't like it. I don't know what to replace it with (an Atrus monologue? That would be cool... :cheesy:)

This line “We’ll all get the story as soon as Katie is taken care of. Yeesha, can you run to your room and get her a new shirt?” is solid Atrus.
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#6 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 20 January 2009 - 10:12 PM

Thanks!!

This Yeesha is based mainly on my 14-yr-old cousin, so she sounds more like my cousin, and less like Yeesha. I guess I was trying to foreshadow her getting involved with the Bahro.
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#7 User is offline   laughingpineapple 

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Posted 22 January 2009 - 05:39 PM

*squees* A sweet read. :cheesy: Nice mental imagery, and your original idea fits much better within this frame even though it's not the main focus anymore.
I agree with Gloa, the pacing at the end could be better... while I'm pretty confused about young Yeesha's character so I'll just shut up on that matter.

The "What did I do?" line made me giggle and this,

Quote

Atrus and Yeesha didn’t notice; they continued to watch me intently. They looked so much alike, I laughed for a moment before continuing.

this is strangely appropriate.
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#8 User is offline   Talashar 

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Posted 04 February 2009 - 07:24 AM

Deadline's past...uh...coming up...sometime...in the near future... Were you going to submit this?
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#9 User is offline   KatrAnna 

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Posted 04 February 2009 - 07:42 AM

I don't think so, it didn't really work the way I meant it to, so... Ignore it? :cheesy:
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