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Night argument

#1 User is offline   Cactus Wren 

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Posted 03 June 2010 - 04:33 PM

Sometimes this happens to me. This came into my mind last night as I was falling asleep: I sat up, grabbed my laptop, and wrote it in something under an hour. I polished this afternoon, and now realize that formatting it to post here will probably take longer than both of those together:



==============================


“You aren’t listening,”
I want to shout.
“You don’t understand,”
I want to cry.

“If you’d been to the Ages –
to Channelwood, to Stoneship!
If you’d seen what they’d done!”
“If you’d felt them move –
the twitching, the kick!
If you’d borne them in your body!”

“They are not sane!”
“They are our children!”
“Can you not realize?”
“Can you not forgive?”
But instead
I turn to our shared bed
and lie down,
But instead
I turn to our shared bed
and lie down,

in silence.
in silence.

My body is as straight and still
as yours is,
straight and unmoving
at the edge of the bed.
My body is as straight and still
as yours is,
straight and unmoving
at the edge of the bed.

You turn out the light.
The room fills with darkness,
and our silence
pounds at the walls.
I turn out the light.
The room fills with darkness,
and our silence
pounds at the walls.


I feel my hands twitching with tension.
I feel tears starting in my eyes.

Can’t you understand?

We lie, untouching,
silent in the darkness.
Do you fall asleep before I do?
We lie, untouching,
pretending sleep.
Which of us does sleep come to first?



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



I wake before dawn,
with the scent of your hair filling my senses.

Your body is warm
and your thigh curves over mine.

Your arms are around me,
and I am holding you,
clinging to your strong shoulders
as one drowning might cling to
something that might keep him afloat,
or as one at a cliff’s edge
might cling to a rescuer’s hand.

You move against me,
and I feel your quiet chuckle.
“Even when we disagree,” you murmur,
“we may as well not quarrel.
There’s no point to it.”

And I know you’re right.
Because every time we go to sleep
at the edges of the bed,
untouching,
sullenly clutching our anger to us
as if it were a comfort,

sometime
in the night
we always lose it,
and wake
wrapped around
each other.


==============================

(Insert boilerplate begging for feedback here.)
1

#2 User is offline   Kaelri 

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Posted 03 June 2010 - 09:43 PM

I love it. It's really them in a nutshell, isn't it.
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#3 User is offline   Lostthyme 

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Posted 03 June 2010 - 09:45 PM

I love it too. Especially the formatting and the mirrored phrases. :)
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#4 User is offline   Allatwan 

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Posted 04 June 2010 - 12:09 AM

WOW! :) AWESOME format and beautiful words!
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#5 User is offline   Capella 

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Posted 04 June 2010 - 09:11 AM

The formatting really makes it. What a beautiful piece.
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#6 User is offline   Cactus Wren 

  • shokhootahn (instructor)
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Posted 05 June 2010 - 12:00 AM

:) Thank you all, I'm so glad you liked it. The original format (on my computer) has the two sets of lines, in the first part, directly opposite each other rather than staggered, but I couldn't manage that with BBCode, so I'm glad it worked out well this way.

About the second part -- did it come out sounding like a specific voice, as if it were a specific one of them? I was hoping for it to sound as though it could be either of them, or both: as if he could as easily be clinging to her "strong shoulders" as she to his, as if she could revel in the scent of his hair just as he might in hers. Did that come across?
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#7 User is offline   Lostthyme 

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Posted 05 June 2010 - 09:39 AM

Yes, it did come across. :)
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