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Mistakes An original short story

#1 User is offline   pogsklinc 

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Posted 14 June 2010 - 03:12 PM

I'm not known for my writing prowess, but earlier this year, I began a project in which I wrote 1 short story every few days to entertain people at my school. It died after 6 stories. Well, I haven't had too many places to post them, so I'll post my first here. It wasn't great, but it was something.


Mistakes

Silence

A young lawyer sits on a rusty bench, impatiently waiting for his overdue bus to arrive. On this brisk January morning, the scrawny man turns his defined features toward a nearby construction site. Rumor has it that this building is going to be another apartment complex. Perfect. Exactly what this city needs. Yet another apartment building. Tole, Wisconsin was known for having 553 similar buildings in the center of the city. This particular apartment had been under construction for three years, though it looked like the workers had achieved nothing, with only the basic framework in place. Tole was not a place with many jobs, through the town had a very high population. To the country at large, the city was a joke. Essentially a suburb with no larger city to leech off of. Strangely enough, this very morning, the construction crew were awake and working hard on the building for what seemed like the first time in weeks.
The man turns his face upward, noting the depressing gray of a gloomy, overcast sky. He soon turns his attention back to the apartment. Something about construction had always fascinated him. From a very young age, his mother had encouraged him to become an engineer due to his adept skill with Lego bricks He didn’t listen to his mother. Ronald Howard Schnikowitz now regards that decision as the worst he has ever made. Instead of a fascinating career, Ronald decided to explore the large, uninteresting world of law. After many torturous years in college, he finally graduated. That was 10 years ago. Since then, he has realized the error of his choices. The thing is, nobody likes lawyers. They’re all look on as low-life scum who live off the money of the innocents. They’re known for being corrupt. Ronald is not corrupt and hates being thought of as such. Why he strayed from architecture and engineering, he could never find out. Most likely, it was the fight he had with his mother and the fact that they hadn’t spoken in 13 years.
‘Now. Stop thinking such depressing things.’ he told himself. He glanced back at the apartment. Ronald had accepted that his bus would never arrive, as it was already 20 minutes late.
‘I’m going to examine the site.’ Schnikowitz phoned his secretary and told her that he would be arriving late to work. As he quickly approached the uncompleted framework, Ronald’s excitement grew. Steel supports. Rivets. Screws. Walling. Heavy equipment. His mind went wild. The workers milled about around him going on with their “daily” work. Ronald walks under a huge platform the workers are using to begin dry-walling the upper levels. Staring up at this huge metallic sheet, the young lawyer could hear the platform creak as many men hop on with equipment, their footsteps reverberating through the metal, shaking the building. The creaks became louder as Ronald watched a nearby crane with awe. The platform lets out one final moan before the structure bends and collapses on many workers, and Ronald, the innocent. Nobody made it out alive. Not even the workers on top of the platform. Leaving this world, with his dying breath, Ronald Howard Schnikowitz whispers two words.

“Thank you.”

Silence.
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#2 User is offline   Lostthyme 

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Posted 14 June 2010 - 11:12 PM

Wow. Nice use of description with the construction site. I was hoping he wasn't going to die but looks like he did. :)
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#3 User is offline   Allatwan 

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Posted 15 June 2010 - 04:47 AM

One word: WOW!
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#4 User is offline   pogsklinc 

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Posted 15 June 2010 - 05:32 AM

I like killing my main characters. It's just how I write. I try to write as life is. Not everything is like a movie, where all loose ends are tied up, all conflicts resolved, all answers revealed. One day, we will all die, and we won't know everything when it happens. So yeah. Don't think I'm some weird death-obsessed weirdo. I just like writing darker stories and poetry.


Oh. And I have a question. The next few stories I wrote all have relatively graphic scenes of violence in them. Is it still okay for me to post them here? I'm not sure on the rules for story posting.
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#5 User is offline   luna 

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Posted 15 June 2010 - 05:49 AM

I like your story.

You could contact Capella and post the more violent stories in Adult writings.
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#6 User is offline   pogsklinc 

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Posted 15 June 2010 - 06:05 AM

I'm glad you like it.

Some of them revolve around a certain violence, but others just have a quick scene mentioning violence. I'm wondering which is safe to post where. And thanks for the idea, I might have to.
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#7 User is offline   pogsklinc 

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Posted 28 September 2011 - 07:16 AM

Update guys!

So, I'm rewriting this story for some scholarship contest. I'll be sure to post the readable version as soon as I'm done.
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#8 User is offline   Zenoc2 

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Posted 30 September 2011 - 05:12 PM

Nice! Short, depressing, and to the point. :p Seriously, though, I liked reading it even more the second time, because it made me notice something I didn't notice the first time: he died experiencing what he loved. That's a really nice touch, that even though it wasn't a happy ending, he was happy in his own ending.
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#9 User is offline   pogsklinc 

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 06:07 PM

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Really. And yeah, not many people seem to catch that ending. They concentrate on the fact that he's dead, not that he was happy.

Also, still editing. Kind of busy with school. I think it should be up by the end of the month, hopefully.
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